Zenscapes

Tracking internal dialogue-1

2011-04-13T22:28:00.003+08:00

Today, did some tracking on my internal dialogue while at work:

11:50 - in a relationship where 2 people shouldnt dependent on each other. everyone has their own life and path even in a relationship. But, a couple comes together to negotiate on what do they want to achieve in their relationship, a common goal.

12:30 - what to wear and my keychain diablo.

14:10 - the Singaporean and their technologies.

14:47 - mulla on kielipää (Im good in languages!)

Are they anything important? lol!!!

Dream - 61

2011-04-08T15:48:00.002+08:00

Few days ago, I was in a local bus in mlk and the area was flooded with water up to knee length. I was the last passenger in the bus. After the bus driver dropped a passenger before me, he shyly admitted to me that Im a beautiful lady. I thanked him and I arrived to kpg8 where my parents were already waiting for me in there. Before entering the house, my late grandma came out from the door and said to me 'hey, you are here finally'. At first, I thought it was just grandma but for a seconds, wait a minute, grandma is dead. I got a slight scare as if I was seeing a ghost but hold on, this is a dream, she could be here.

End!

Dream - 60

2009-05-16T20:44:00.002+08:00

I had a few clear dreams.

1. i was late for school. he carried me to school on a dark path. I carried the torch. And I spotted python just below us. I was shouting to him, not to stop and keep going. But he refused and he got caught with the python. He seemed to be fine with it, oops! and I went down, he dropped me to the ground. then, his mom appeared as a doctor(for real) and helped him out from the strangler. but he didnt actually got stuck with it. they were a bunch of them entangled together and he picked it up, play with it. I was afraid, I got up from my sleep.

2. we were back to msia, meeting with my relatives for food. when he saw my aunt, he was happily greeting her and gave her a big hug. then he danced around them and greeted her first son and animatedly greeted her second son. My dad seemed to be very pleased with the meeting. He found it hilariously and told me that he has never thought that he is such a funny guy and that I have found the right one.

3. we went into a restaurant. at a corner, all my ex-collegues were there too in a table.

Dream - 59

2008-10-31T16:37:00.001+08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was getting married and I was given a man´s suit rather than a gown. A suit that looks like going for funeral. I was in some sort of rural area and that I had to be transported to the hall by a helicopter

Dream - 58

2008-07-22T22:10:00.001+08:00

Its a good feeling to think of leaving. I had such dream last night. A farewell party for me although cant remember the dream so well and I woke up with good feeling.

Dream - 57

2008-06-24T14:37:00.003+08:00

I had some dream where I was in places. First, I was in Finland where I saw Daphne and her mom in a car, I talked to them or waved at them. And then in my secondary school where I was wanted by the fugitive that I was protected. It felt like I could have been lucid but not apparently,

Dream - 56

2008-05-15T11:53:00.002+08:00

I had this dream that I had unknown member family members to me. Living in a poor condition with an elder brother and a father but didnt see where was the mom. Couldnt recall if I was living in an abusive condition but I didnt like it and it was bothersome. One day, my father invited a hmm...psychic person to the house for an inspection as he was suspecting that there must be a bad energy in the house which caused us to be living badly. After checking the surrounding, the psychic looked at me and said that I had problem too. Yes, I said. The psychic said it's all in your mind. Daring enough, I argued with him saying that it wasnt in my mind, it was in my tummy. I felt uncomfortable there. Before I could really finished answering that, the psychic gave a quick tap on my forehead and I threw up, fainted to the floor. Laying on the ground for quite some time, finally I woke up alongside with the piles of my nausea. I felt much better but weird and went to clean myself.

Dream - 55

2008-05-14T11:46:00.002+08:00

Had a weird dream but couldnt really recall it now. I remember I jolted up from sleep because it felt bit scary or just weird. Me and my lover, a rock singer were running away from something? Had a discussion with one fierce guy to let him be the lead vocalist for the next project. Then, fierce guy felt uncomfortable with the role and released his anger, saying that "its better that you continue to sing"

Another one where me, rakas and relatives were dining in a m'sian restaurant in a foreign place. Nothing special happened. It just that at the end, I went back to my seat to take something and I lost them and just running slow-motion at the back streets with others who was in poor condition. I didnt know where was my hotel or even if I know, I would not know the room number.

In the next scene, I was inside my hotel room.

Dream - 54

2008-04-19T13:07:00.003+08:00

I had many interesting dreams, most of them were connected. but lets see how much can I recall it. My family, relatives and him were in the scene. I remember we were at the beach. I was taking some photograph with a tripod. The waves were roaring hard and high. Then, the biggest wave arrived and slammed as in as it could into the shore where I was standing behind the wall of rocks. which means no more route for me to back off. I was standing there, holding the tripod with camera as the wave slammed me as high as the waist line or more. Surprisingly, after that I didnt awake from the dream. I walked away from the shore and to a high area where the wave had cut some edge of the shore and weirdly cutting horizontally of the shore. The wave was a roaring of horses. I think I was at the beach, some vacation place with Iga. We stayed there for few days.

I received a call from my sis or my mom, inviting for a dinner and some show. We didnt have any transport and we didnt know how to get out from the place. Didnt know where, this guy I think was a finn borrowed his 4 wheel drive so that we could get ourselves to the town and he would get the car back from there.

What was nice? The dinner was a treat from my mom's eldest bro and he was inviting all of us. We lost our way a bit and their car passed by us. Inside it was my mom's eldest bro as the driver with glasses, beside him was his ex-wife...wow! and his eldest daughter and kids. We followed them until at some point, we lost again. Dropped the car and the man took it back. Somehow there wasnt any dinner in the dream.

Then we arrived to a show, some kiddie's costume show. Aunt Doris youngest son was joining the show. Duh, he was old enough for that! They bought him a little chicken costume...lol. He didnt like it, was grumpy, putting on the suit and refused to put on the head mask, insisted that he was going to parade without the head mask. He lined up for his turn as I called my bro to take the head mask and passed it to him. Maybe he would change his mind. He did put on the mask.

There was some part when I was cycling and it was the highest gear that really need lots of strength to cycle.

Dream - 53

2008-04-19T13:04:00.001+08:00

I should have write this down yesterday as now I couldnt recall much. I remember there was a funny part where I wanted to refill my bicycle tyres and the hose was a hollow snake. The hose didnt connected to the meter or anything.

Dream - 52

2008-03-27T22:54:00.002+08:00

Fell asleep after an O overture and I was in a rehab which looks like a place for juvenile crime. Surprisingly, many of familiar faces of my friends were there too even with their children. I got a feeling that people who put me into the rehab hated me so much as I didnt think that I did any big crime or any crime at all. I was just riding in a bus and something that I couldnt remember. The next thing I knew, I was in again. It was like a penalty for being no integrity or impeccable in the society that I was sent in for rehab again and again.

Actually quite an exciting and refreshing dream.

Dream - 51

2008-03-21T10:46:00.003+08:00

There were my family, relatives, godparents and Rakas in the dream. We were at some vacation place. Joined them for breakfast at the long table, I was squeezed in between my mom and Aunt S. Couldnt take it their behaviours that I burst my tantrum on them. I was really expressing it. Rakas had his eyes wide open of shocking.

Didnt know how, me and Rakas decided to take the package to visit 'SPACE'. Space? Yea. People said that it was tough because we had to go thru some sort of challenges. Ok, we tried.

There was another scene where we were at the bathroom ;)

First challenge, we had to be some sort of professional couple dealing with mafia. Drove a car, did some trick and quickly ran away with the car safely. I managed to grab the laptop along with me and got into the car. Said to Rakas, "how about our luggage?" He said, "Leave it, it is empty inside"

Next challenge, a tough one where we need to be very careful if not we might lost ourselves without knowingly. Rakas volunteered to take it. I waited back at the starting point. Something cant remember. And I lost him. I couldnt locate where was his whereabout. Then, from a TV where we could see the challenge. He had turned into a cat by judging from the jacket and helmet that the cat was wearing. OH my, he was a cat. I saw it. A greyish white cat.

Dream - 50

2008-03-20T12:00:00.002+08:00

Truly sleeping is much better after some exercise, making me seeing and recalling my dreams better.

#1 dream
I attended some class at my primary school where chairs and tables are made from wood. The classroom always had problem such as missing tables, chairs and broken tables and chairs. One of the teacher was a lecturer from this university, so to say she was my panel judge for my thesis. I expressed my concerned over the matter in the classroom. Really expressing my thoughts out, making them really listening to me as though this was what I wanted to say since a child.

Upon hearing that, the teacher and others immediately notified the problem and would solve instantly as well. I was given a place to seat. Later the classroom changed it shape to a cafeteria. I was actually sitting there, eating and drinking with my other friends. The teacher was still the same, she was the waitress there. Food was given to me, drink was served to me as if I had been honoured. Before I was leaving, wanted to pay for the services. But the waitress refused to accept because I had helped them by expressing my thoughts. It was a small thing for me as I asked for what if I pay with discount. No too!

#2 dream
In a strange place, a new place visited. My family, relatives, friends and unknown were there too. In a cafe celebrating either my bro's or dad's birthday. There were red eggs and cake. After the party, I parted from them. Made a walk around the city and to the next corner, into a bar to get myself a drink. Some fun time there and someone told me that there would be some festival at the other side happening today. I left the place and aimed for that festival that evening. Walked twice and came back to the same junction. It was a crossroad, on my left was a bridge.

Arrived at the festival place, I met my friends at the entrance, asking me how am I going to get back from here and told me roughly about this event. I sat on this roller chair and went into the building. Parked myself on the right corner close to the wall although the parade was a confusing thing in the dream. It was outdoor and then indoor. But when it was indoor, the walkway for the parade was so narrow that they kept hitting me and caused some havoc for them. My friends were somewhere behind me, suggested that I should go more right. More right? It's all wall. The parade was something on Hinduism.

#3 dream
Couldnt really remember this. I was in a ship, looking my way to get back to the bar.

Dream - 49

2008-03-18T11:04:00.002+08:00

This dream happened after 7am.

Got a flight to catch. Whats more, going to Finland a day after school is closed and my parents didnt know about it. The flight dated 5 march. Why march? Aint I suppose to go on August? That confused me, thinking that this wasnt right. I was just leaving from kpg8 to Klang, the day before my flight. Nothing was packed and so anxious in hurry. I had 3 transits to do, it was so confusing that I thought I had only 2 transits. But it supposed to be KL-China, China-FI

1. KL - China
2. China - Taiwan
3. Taiwan - Finland

The second and third option were really confusing. Why need to fly to more east to Taiwan? Anyway, I arrived to China with a day and half before my next flight. This place seemed to be rural area, small dusty cowboy town as if in 1960's. I was in the same weird taxi with a woman and a guy. Said that Im going to 'Saha'? guesthouse. We talked abit and the woman volunteered that she could show me around the place. Night didnt appear because I wasnt even check into my guesthouse and the next day has arrived.

In town with her the next morning and I realized that I had forgotten to pack so many things especially didnt bring enough cash, forgot my euro that I had in my other wallet and didnt even bring the wallet along. My mom and dad appeared into the scene from nowhere. They couldnt be here. Started up my phone, I got a message from Rakas. Strangely, the phone didnt display the message very well. It showed 'Inva' and the message was empty. I was told to be careful with my belongings. Many snatch thieves around this place and they snatch just anything. One big guy tried to snatch my phone from my grip and I held it tightly as he tried to pull. Without second thought, I gave him a kick at his balls and sent him down to the ground, continued beating and kicking him until he let go. Never seen myself so violent..lol!

Dream - 48

2008-03-04T19:12:00.002+08:00

I was rolling but too tired that I fell asleep very deeply and soon drifted to dreamland. We were at some place, buying fruits for the cny reunion occasion at kpg8. This lady challenged my mom for chopping water melon with bare hands. My mom knew that she wont be able to do it but I suggested to her that she should at least try. Then, a man placed a box on the table. Inside the box it could be either watermelon, other stuffs or nothing at all. The inside box could be seen thru from the edges. Clearly there was nothing inside. When my mom and this lady ready for the battle and before they could start hitting it, the man revealed the empty box.

Before that, I was riding back to MLK in a bus. On the way, I got many SMS messages on traffic report. A traffic picture that was sent thru SMS service every 15 seconds.

Back to kpg8, I was napping. In the middle of it, abruptly woke up and hided the canon eos under the pillow but too big to be hided so that my little cousin wouldnt touch it or simply play with it. He arrived beside me and tried to take the camera out from my care. I guess we struggled a bit. Then, my bro arrived, saying happily that he would be going back to my godmother's place after the reunion party. That fast? Not forgetting invited us to downstairs for some video-playing. As I came down, my 2nd uncle was there with his wife. The living area was decorated so nicely that I was in total amazement because for real I think they lack of creativity in the house. The Buffet bouquet was placed in the middle of the living area. So, we watched the video. It was a video that showed what had happened, at the fruit seller place and what would happen next(future) that I would be doing at the dinner.

Dream - 47

2008-02-27T16:07:00.001+08:00

I think I dreamt that I had arrived to Lapland, perhaps confused with my location as I didnt know where was I. It was starting of Autumn. He couldnt be found.

Dream - 46

2008-02-22T12:03:00.002+08:00

After a short meditation, I went to sleep and soon I dreamt that Iga's mum and dad were visiting M'sia. Certainly they didnt look like them as I at times tried to imagine them with their real look. It was also bit confusing, since he has 2 dads, should I be imagining the look of his mum with his father or his mum with his stepdad. Anyway, it was an unknown place to me. However, they seemed to enjoy their visiting. Then, I bought a bus ticket to go home and since I had to wait for the long departure, I went for a stroll at a narrow alley. Arrived to a shop, I was in Thailand ??? The shopkeeper told me that they know how to speak mandarin so that it would be easy for me.

Dream changed and I appeared with him in Finland. Yippie, I had arrived to Finland again as I said to me 'it's nice to be back again'. It was cold. And again, the place didnt look like Finland, it was more like a country with asian aspects. We were walking happily into a gift shop. The shopkeeper's son had a weird behaviour. I couldnt remember what was it about. I guess I bought a birthday card. Walked back to our car, this small hill with full of blue flowers attracted my attention as it was really looking beautiful. From nowhere, this tan- skin guy appeared and he wanted to show something more to us. A grape yard with basil plants. As I was busy listening to the guy's explanation, Iga went for a stroll by himself. I thought he was jealous or something and so I went after him. As I ran, the whole place really looks unknown to me. And so I think he wasnt jealous at all, most likely we were on some exploration.

We came to a hotel which looks like a high class kindergarten. A woman greeted us at the door and we explored the building by yourself. This hotel tenant, a guy appeared with a bathrobe. I saw his reflection from the window. He was behaving weirdly. Later, he started to throw his tantrum on Iga, saying that he had caught him here, caught him for cheating his girlfriend. It was indeed a weird situation. I guess we didnt even know that guy at all. He tried to punch Iga. Couldnt remember how it dissolved and we ran out from the building to a street. A street where full of food carts, selling various types of food. Iga happily stopped at this 'luk luk' stall. Dipped his prawn in the hot boiling water. After it was cooked, dipped the prawn in chili sauce and had it like that....yum. My turn, I was looking for the chili sauce and before I could find it, those stall tenants and customers were applauding. He had just finished a bowl of chili. Then he told me that he is going to have some o'so burning when shitting...lol!

Dream - 45

2008-02-18T13:44:00.004+08:00

After orgasmic overture, I went to nap. The first round was a relaxing one before plunging into a deep sleep. Soon, I appeared in dream. A nice weird dream although cant remember some of them very well. The dream appeared from one scene to another. I remember the dream ran twice. First, it was just a tour of all the scenes that I supposed need to go thru and second, I appeared in those scenes.

some scene that I remember...

In a car, passing thru a narrow road where an Indian wedding was going on, my sis attended it.

In a mamak stall( restaurant) with a few people maybe my relatives, I changed the chair because of some stains. This 2 friendly waiters were asking for orders and I wasnt sure what to order for drink as I seemed to forget the drink names. But the waiter gave a head hug around my neck like boys.

I wanted to visit my friend in some row of houses and this little baby elephant which happened to escape from the master's house was blocking my way. A whitish elephant. At first, I didnt recognize what animal could that be. Then, I saw the mama and papa elephant at one of the house, same row as my friend. It was small as near my waist height but tough. I tried to lure the baby elephant away but I couldnt. As it started to get a bit edgy of my distraction, trying to shovel me to the air with his head and trunk. I guess I heard some voices, saying that I can control the elephant whatever I like. Didnt know what I did and soon the distraction was over and I was in my friend's house.

Came to a hmm...weird place where no selling sex but selling unusual erotic stuffs or maybe services. The seller was half-naked top. Feeling desirable, I locked the door which was a penis dildo and started to have eroticism with the seller. Guess that the seller was a bit shock, sliding his thighs up and down with the slippery o'so wet vaginal which was dripping down his thigh to leg...lol! Then, a man appeared naked with lady socks wrapped his 2 willies? thats weird and he was looking miserable. The man was his patient? Then I could fathom that he was some kind of a doctor. The man seemed to have trouble with his sexuality and personality. He just couldnt know whether he likes female or male or he wants to be a female or male. But somehow he seemed to show some affection to the doctor and then attacked the doctor on the bed...lol

Feeling as though I was smiling in every scene changing and all those crackling sound from the street provoked the dream change and to be alert in dream control. I woke up feeling quite refresh although was so stuck.

Dream - 44

2008-02-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

I had a nice dream although couldnt recall it. It made me smile and had the intention to make it lucid but I did not. I remember I was in a high rise building, facing the city. There was a storm approaching. I could see the ferocious dark clouds moving quickly across the sky and other colourful skies of sunset.

Another scene where I attended a warrior competition or ceremony, a martial art event. They wore red hakama with white robe, carrying a weapon which looks like a saw. An old lady was performing in front. I had a saw in my hand which I need to pass it to her later on. My relatives were there, sitting in the front row.

Thats about it...hehe

Dream - 43

2008-01-31T21:55:00.001+08:00

My relatives were around. My mum just told me that I can only chat 1 hour per day with Iga. I couldnt recall my reaction about it as I grabbed a portion from the newspaper and read an article. I guess something about Abraham Lincoln or maybe someone else and it was a good article. I was really deep into reading it. Soon, I started to cry. Perhaps the article was too good but then I felt some needle pain all over my back. My mum shuffled my back shirt up and they were weird marks formed all over my back. There were some sort indigenous/shamanism signs formed in a matrix of 6 x 5. My mum started to panic but I wasnt that much, starring at the article, thinking it could be the caused.

Dream - 42

2008-01-30T17:44:00.001+08:00

I had many dreams but couldnt recall much about them. One of them, instead of me flying in the dream, the ships and boats were flying up in the sky in a reverse order which means upside down. It made the whole sky looked like a reflection from the sea and there was a aircraft flying by, scribbled the sky with its tail "Sydney is here!" I didnt know what clue was that or which Sydney but I could think of Sydney, Australia.

Then, another scene where few of us including me reported first day to work and the company didnt have enough space or cubicles for us...laugh! The lady who showed us around went to ask for extra tables and chairs as we waited by some walkway. There were 2 walkways at the end of the company which separated them by a glass door. A walkway which had stalls, souvenirs shops and etc. As we waited, we spotted a young couple tried to steal from that corner shop. First, they thought they were invisible. Secondly, they shut the glass door. But we could see it all. We must stopped them. I didnt how that I invited a fight with the guy in the office narrow walkway. Quite a long fight though, giving him some irimi and tenkan. And suddenly at the end an old lady appeared :D

Dream - 41

2008-01-30T12:00:00.000+08:00

I had a weird napping again. After orgasmic overture, soon I was drifted to deep state that I had no idea at all that I should be up like in an hour or so since it was just a nap. Too deep that I couldnt feel myself and perhaps dreaming was rolling all the time that I couldnt recall any. Alerted once, peeping the surrounding with my weary eyes, I couldnt remember where was I, the time and the day. Falling back to sleep and abruptly woke up again, checking my surrounding. It was already dusk, raining a bit out there. For a moment, I was very confused as I couldnt remember what I did before napping, what should be doing after napping, what time and day. But as soon my brain collected all those information, I jolted up with anxiousness, feeling that I had slept too long. Checked on the time, I had slept for 2 hours. Cooled down my anxiousness before went too cook. Still I feel quite tired from the weird feeling of napping that I had traveled way up high in my dreaming? For sudden I thought I might had OBE but I couldnt remember my dream. These had happened once on Sunday after an overture as well. So new thing that I was feeling tired throughout the whole evening.

Dream - 40

2008-01-21T02:05:00.000+08:00

I didnt clear my bladder for some reason, thinking that it could be some energy that generated after orgasm and stored it to evoke dreaming. But I was too skeptical till I couldnt remember my dreams. Then, I cleared it after many hours, went back to sleep and I had a dream where I was in Finland with him, at the city center, opposite the church park, in front of his grandma's place. This must be the most accurate dreaming of a place that look and feel real. Plus I knew my location.

Recap - 5

2008-01-18T00:03:00.000+08:00

There was a time of my life that I was broken in depression and misery. A story that hasnt been told to everyone what actually has happened. The selfishness which led to humiliation and the lack of love. The world of loneliness that it claimed to be no one could understood me and turned against me. The world that I was right all the time, I knew what was I doing but the fact that I was in total mess. The world that I was blinded with the reality, making me desperate and constant in looking for way out. I was not in peace, not even when I shut my eyes for sleeping. I was crying terribly for days.

It started on the day he was leaving the country for home. There wasnt any certainty. I felt that this was going to end but I didnt want too. I said that I felt good after leaving the airport but I wasnt. The sadness drooled over me and led me to self-pity. Started crying at wee hours, feeling stupid for some reason, regretting that I should have been like this and that, done this and that, persuade him to stay a bit longer as it was so close to the festive mood, the New Year. But what's the use to persuade him to stay? He is going to leave too at some point. I was afraid to see him go. I was afraid to see him packing but if we never know the feeling of leaving or accept it, we will never know how good it feels to meet again after some time.

I was at my parent's place for few days, passing the New Year before going back to MLK. Final exam was going to start in 1.5 weeks and I was already having a hard time focusing on my reading. It really stung me once I was back in mlk, to clean up all the mess that he left in my room, the smell, the memories was a difficult process as my head couldnt stop thinking all the good memories we had, only the good ones. I couldnt stop crying. Spent alot of time in front of the pc, typing my heart out. My mind was rambling terribly, looking for a solution. All I could think was I wanted to be with him so much. In this state, everything I saw in us were beautiful. I only remember the good times we had. I only feel the good thing to be together that we should be together now because I know how to make things right and so on. It was all just a dillusion of beautiful that the integrity of my mind had wiped off by desperation and insecurity.

Couldnt stop thinking of ideas to get close to him instantly. From thinking to be exchange student, to change school, to have gap year until even booked a flight. Yes I did booked a flight, redrew some money for that and I cancelled it the next day. Other than that, I spent amount of time, talking to people, to get ideas and hope as well as doing some research. I did realized that my misery needed to be stop but it was difficult. It crashed down right the next day or after few hours. Nothing constant and nothing last forever. My focus on reading was really bad. Nothing seemed to get into my head. And I decided to do a gap year for a semester and continue my studies when I return. Glad with that idea and it boost me at least few percent to focus on reading which it did but never knew that I went so stray in the exam hall. Emotions had all over me. I got the most terrible result that you could not even imagine.

After finished my exam, I came back home, telling my mom about my intention that I wanted to seek spiritual awareness. But she didnt get it. Spiritual? You mean being in a church or monastery? And I couldnt explain it well too. I went to my dad and told him my idea. Instantly he had all the lines prepared what he wanted to say. He said that I was selfish and used to be an obedient child, telling me to look back all those family photos and asked me how would I feel if someone who is sleeping beside you crying every night. No answer. I started to cry, feeling rejected and it felt like everything had turned against me. Later that night, my mom came into my room and we cried together. Truly, I had never seen her crying so bad. With a soft heart, she could let me go and deep down there she was afraid to lose me. She advised me to talk properly again with my dad about the negotiation which didnt happen because I felt humiliation by the first attempt that I lost just like that without defending anything and giving consice idea.

Later that weekend, I was still feeling very miserable and out of ideas. Living a life at that moment was difficult as I wasnt happy with anything, I looked dull and pathetic until my sis commented that I looked like a person who has a mother just die recently. Short to say I was looking out of shape which I couldnt see. That evening, they sent their last hope agent to talk to me and again I was crying terribly because at then, I realized that I had myself hazardous in any form and that I didnt love myself. The keyword is LOVE. I didnt love myself enough which put me into depression and misery. And if I didnt love myself, how can I love him.

After the last cry out, I went back to mlk for retreat and solitude, to have some time for reflection, reheal and recap. I was a happy person again.

Dream - 39

2008-01-11T17:44:00.000+08:00

I had some kind lucid dream...

It started off in a rally, arrived to the scene from a rally car then when the race ended and when everyone was going home, I had to walk for some reason. It was fine with me. Walked with a guy who happened to be the driver or someone more superior. Since It was going to be a long walk, I decided that I wanted to make myself float. And I did after managed to get my feet floating off the ground. I was happy, thinking that I was in control. Ok what to do next, what to see. But with all the excitement in me, there was a tendency that I could lose it just as quickly as lightning. People tend to do many stuffs if they are given choices. At the end, I was off balance, fell to the ground and knocked my head, the dream ended!

Dream - 38

2007-12-08T14:47:00.000+08:00

I was feeling bit restless and anxious after the test. Felt good after circulate my energy and then I fell asleep. Got this dream but bit blurry. I was feeling happy, all this gushes feeling of soothing and love. Yea, it was about love. A message of love. Couldnt remember well what was the message but as far as I remember Love is beyond words

Dream - 37

2007-12-04T16:40:00.000+08:00

The doing might be the same but with a new feeling, soon I fallen asleep after laying in a corpse pose for few minutes. Got the same intensity of deep and yet still unconciously aware. Then, I shifted into dreamscape, I saw him, my family and relatives. There was some kind of dream master discussion going on, voices deciding what was next at first. My image of him at first wasnt that clear. I got a full bladder(because of a glimpse of tensity on the womb), almost slipping away and this time it acted some sort of sign or gateway. Dream master said...ok this time I let you be different. And so I was moving forward with my dream having me right next to him in a room. It was just a room. We wanted to explore each other until we realized that it was actually our house. A bit messy but we found many useful stuffs that we still could keep. I wanted to cook fried rice then my family, relatives arrived from nowhere. One by one, all of them. Even some relatives that I rarely dream of. It was just a short glimpse. I was like huh, "grandma?? you're dead but you are here". Didnt care that I was feeling happy to see her and she visited our new house. Met my mum and we were talking about her all time worries and anxiousness. She admitted it but however she still didnt know how to change. Then abruptly woken up and realized myself that I was in my room after all. Now feeling contemplative and bit uneasy with this feeling.

Recap - 4

2007-11-28T00:50:00.000+08:00

Quite exhausted today.

I have something to say about the car thing. Feeling like stuck in between of the woman myself and the default woman like everyone else. 2 women at home grumbled about his behaviour towards his car affection. She didn’t want to believe it is true that she is going to drive home without her husband and another was feeling pity on me as it was my last day and I should be appreciated..lol! I actually didn’t know what the original plan was until both of the women told me about it. They seemed to be serious and fuss about it. Then, indicated me that I should go and tell him to stop fixing the car. I couldn’t feel much about their fuss as I wasn’t feeling that well and moreover I knew that he likes that car very much, so I thought that was normal. Went outside after them to visit him at the yard. As I approached at the scene, O was asking if I really bought that car for him. Yes I did. At some point of the day I felt like it was a big mistake to let him to have that car and that was why me and M were simultaneously said...”what a big mistake!” and laughed. However, he looked quite serious. Looking at him fixing the car with passionate, I just stood there with my weary mind. As I think O was saying to me that..”jilin, tell him to stop fixing the car”. And I still standing with my weary mind in front of him, starred blankly at him or observing his reaction. For real I didn’t say anything. M started to say the same thing again. And he responded something like …”we are going to drive back with 3 cars in line”(cant remember well) That moment my mind started to work a bit. I was thinking that is he serious about it what he had just said? Is he thinking that those 2 women are joking? Can he see that they actually taking it seriously? Is he really understood his mum and sister actually? I was almost going to blurt out that “are you serious? you sound very selfish”. But I didn’t if not he could have love me like hell…hoho! O was talking to me again as I flipped my attention to her. About car insurance that she was sure that I wont be riding in that car because no insurance. “…Isnt it?” My mind was so chaotic to analyze what was actually going on. Then, M started to say about the cityworkers joke. She tried to correct her joke by saying “3 of us watching and doing nothing. And 1 is doing something but still nothing is done or still doing nothing”. Maybe sounds like a practical joke. But did she trying to refer that even though how much he fixes the car, it is still not going to run today? I don’t know. But most likely there wasn’t any meaning behind that. In the end, after they failed to convince him, they went inside. I tagged along behind them. M was like “Man!#$@%#$”. Inside the house O said “man forgets woman just like that if they have a car or something they like”. M was totally agreed with it. And I was still having all those chaotic analyzing thinking. Yea, true and at that moment I was thinking that I haven’t been seeing what all women have gone thru with their men especially when it comes to situation like this. I guess most women might have experience at least some sort like that and they fuss about it. Oh, what was I missing? And thinking that they were right and I was running out of time. It could be nice for me and M to talk about men and relationship or with O too. Did I really missing something here?

In the car going back to JKL, I asked him what does he think about that? I don’t know what he was actually thinking. He said that most likely his mum was trying to get me not to go in that car because of no insurance. And I was like how could he had such thought. He couldn’t see that they were serious? Not even this time? Once he said that he would like me to tell how much he loves me or a good lover to his mum although it sounds pretty selfish but after that night he might have failed to show it to her indirectly. Although the whole thing might be not so serious after all.

Dream - 36

2007-11-26T09:38:00.000+08:00

hah, I dreamt of my returning flight to there. Time slipped away while talking to my sis and dad. Soon realized that I was really late. Flight going to depart in 15 minutes time. Very quickly, packed all the stuffs adn rushed to the airport within 5 minutes. Luckily still manage to check in. Then, no time to talk more. What was nice that my dad gave a hug and off I went, hurrying walking to the security control. I heard my name was called on the loudspeaker. Didnt finish the dream because abruptly awoke to check on if I was late already or not.

Dream - 35

2007-11-22T15:28:00.000+08:00

Lately hmm, I retired as early as before 3am, lol! But the process of sleeping from 3 - 6/7am full engaged in dreams by the time I need to wake up, it just some real heavy sleeping.

Had a few dreams last night.

Dream - 34

2007-11-20T12:51:00.000+08:00

In my opinion, if you have a full bladder at night during sleeping and you are dreaming, it might cause your dreaming going nowhere as it will only revolves around looking for place to clear the bladder. It must be that spending too much energy on holding the bladder and dream about clearing the bladder, thats the sign! Of course when you have this kind of clearing bladder dream, you probably wouldnt want it to happen for real in the dream as it might happen in real that you wet your bed. So since the energy is stuck there and dream is going nowhere, it wakes you up for a real clearance.

I had this kind of dream last night. I was with my friends. We were stuck somewhere or just happened to overnight at some place or just cant go back home. In the morning, we were like who is going back home to clean ourself first then return to that place. I went first and I took a long time for the clearance and my friends arrived with taxi. Woke up.

Before that me and him were in some place, some training ground or activities ground where there were 2 tall trees with many long branches. A rope was attached at the ceiling of the roof which is right above the tree. Then, we had to climb the rope to take ourselves to the top of the tree. From there we needed to do some kind of abseiling or jumping from one branch to another. At first I was a bit unconfident about doing it. He gave some support and I went for it. Surprisingly, it went quite well and I feel satisfied with it. He was proud about it. A thumbs up.

Dream - 33

2007-11-19T12:27:00.000+08:00

Interestingly of dreaming but couldn't remember so well and yet gave a sense of uneasy feeling after waking up. Dreamt about snakes. I was walking in some park not sure with him but felt like him. We were walking a bit far apart. There were 2 or 3 guys with snakes, maybe doing some performance. I was stunned, trying to pass them in a bit distant way and keeping myself calm. However, those guys came around me and teased me with it. I could have runaway but I didnt. The snakes seemed to be aggressive or maybe just the guys. I woke up when one of the snake jumped on me. Took a deep breathe and thought about my rubber snakey.

Another dream where I was at my godmother's old house, using the TV as the monitor. Big and clear and so wanted to show them my trip pics and at the same time I was doing some pc maintenance and waiting for him to show. He did. He said something like "ada makanan something". That surprised me and made me smile too. I didnt reply back because the connection and situation was a bit inconvenient.

The last dream. He commanded me to take this new white truck to some place for shelter. Passing by row of shops, there were car-repairing shop, hairdresser and etc. I happened to enter some gift shop, selling all those scary masks, gifts and festive stuffs. This shopkeeper who has a baby or a kid shrunk the white truck or puff, disappeared it off! I was really shock and panic. What shall I do? He came to look for him, gonna help me to move the truck. But I was a bit afraid to explain the whole situation to him. Somehow, he seemed to be fine. At least he sounded like it doesnt matter at all.

*since 2 days, constantly feeling tingling at my right leg

Dream - 32

2007-11-18T13:10:00.000+08:00

I have been dreaming but dreams that are not so clear. Many people involved in there, my family, him, his family and some erotic dreams as well. Something happened to my sexual energy that it gave a new sense of feeling or mostly unknown feeling that I could still it at my eyes.

Few days ago, I dreamt that his whole family was here including him. Talked to his mum about something and I saw his sister in the scene as well. It confused me. She was having problem in buying ticket for movie with her daughter. I volunteered to help her or she asked me for some help to deal with that ticket seller. Strange situation for me and was a bit doubtful that she was using me or con me with that ticket seller. Felt like my courage was tested in here.

Then another night, my parents arrived to Finland on the day where I was to depart home. huh! Although the place didnt even look like Finland. Iga and my mum were in the car, sending me off. Feeling weird that I had to go home to attend my cousin's wedding or just have to go home for something important.

Dream - 31

2007-11-01T01:40:00.000+08:00

dated 30 Oct, in the boat

I dreamt of snakes. There were 9 of them. Black with yellow stripes. Looked a bit dead and a bit real. My sis tried to scare me with that but I showed perculiar edgy response

Dream - 30

2007-11-01T01:38:00.000+08:00

I think Monday 29 Oct

I was shouting in the dream, trying to alert all those people who got influenced by some bad energy. Shouted at them to wake them up.

Dream - 29

2007-09-24T02:50:00.000+08:00

Lately or by now, I can feel that Im dreaming whenever in sleeps. Just that the feeling aint that strong. Dreamt about my primary music teacher. Happened to bounce with him over here. He was walking his dog. I was with a few friends of mine. Was surprise to see him after for years and took a step to say hello to him although the place didnt look and feel like Finland. We gathered at a cafe near the lake for more chat. He seemed to have old people disease. Then, suddenly a water rise at the lake and hit the cafe. All of us sliding off. Managed to hide under the steel bridge but more catastrophy arrived. The bridge started to shake and collapsed onto me as I had no where to run. Felt like dying and I woke up.

Dream - 28

2007-09-24T02:47:00.000+08:00

A dream that I have already back home. My dad or mum asked me if I have message to him, telling that i have arrive. I was confused. Tell him that I have arrive back home? I didnt. Why must I tell him? Then I realized that I didnt message him because I realized that it was a dream.

Dream - 27

2007-08-15T22:30:00.000+08:00

Dreamt about missing my flight again. was going back from there but my whole family was there in the dream again. Couldnt be right. As I couldnt get the right journey itenary right too. I missed the flight because they didnt take me to the airport as they just taking it easy here and there.

Dream - 26

2007-08-15T22:27:00.001+08:00

A kind of almost lucid dream where me and my family were in Thailand but actually the idea was that I was going back home from here. I was late for the flight and missed it. So, I need a new ticket to fly back but my whole family was with me which means that my dad needed to book new flight tickets for the whole family and he didnt fuss about it. We went to the ticket counter. My suspicious grew stronger as I stopped my dad from buying the ticket, saying that "dont buy it! because im not sure if this is real or dream" but most likely I knew that this wasnt real.

Dream - 25

2007-08-15T22:26:00.001+08:00

A message from my dream that laugh is important

Dream - 24

2007-07-21T03:50:00.000+08:00

Got several dreams thru the night but couldnt remember much as I got awake. Something that I remember, there were some conversation going on.

There was a part where me and Mike were in a room, talking about aikido and my brother was sleeping in that room too. He sleep-talk, imagined himself as a horse, gallop to the end of the room and back with horses sound. That was scary as if he really looked like turning to be a horse.

Another part, we were celebrating something, had some food feast with my relatives. Then I was at the kitchen, helping something and looked above the sky. It was really dark, sky got clear and stars shining. So much of stars, so close to one another and at some edges, there were a few big stars with green, red and blue. It was astonishing to see that, felt like some kind of lightstars show. Wind started to catch up then I saw an image of a lady goddess, bit cartoonish appeared on the sky and vanished by flying off.

Dream - 23

2007-07-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

After have been in for more than 3 weeks, I kept getting dream of going back to msia for a week or 2 before coming back here for long. Recently I got his quite vivid dream that I met this special husband and wife in a petrol station nearby to the bus station, telling them that Im going off to finland and he sent me off. Later, I returned to the same place again with Iga and happened to see him at the petrol station again. He was pretty surprised for my return and I didnt know why that I need to return back again quickly. He bought me a bus ticket hmm must be to the airport. We were walking together towards the bus and chatted a bit. He asked me if the guy is my partner. I said yes. And he continued saying that he didnt like his appearance. haha. Yea, that time partner looked depressed and messy with stuffs in his head. Ok, so he told me that make sure I remember to aboard the bus on time and he left the place. I went to get something from the nearby shop and strayed myself to somewhere, to some site with beautiful scenery and tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, there were stairs, infront of it was a row of shops. Met a guy who wanted to get laid with me and I was helping him to get that idea away.

And ´hey, why are you still doing here?´ someone said. It was him again. ´Arent you suppose to aboard the bus already?´ - ´yea, but I was helping this guy.´ Clearly that I had missed the bus. As he dragged me away from the loser guy and into his office. He bought me a new ticket and this time off I really go.

Dream - 22

2007-06-01T23:51:00.000+08:00

I just dont know how to categorize that kind of dream atmosphere. A nightmare or just a mere of a fear dream? Anyway it was a nightmarish with fear element in it. I was in my sis's room and anything which comes in a shape of flying objects...birds, butterflies and etc. It gave me some fear effect. Most likely it was a moth or butterfly.

Dream - 21

2007-05-30T17:58:00.000+08:00

Dreaming in colors...

Part of the sky was blue and part of it was dark but both were in one landscape. Opposite of where I was standing, there was this building decorated with lights and fireworks started to burst at the rooftop. didnt know for what occasion but certainly the lights looked beautiful as someone called me take photograph of it and so I did. But somehow It looked more nicer with our naked eyes than from lens. Later I remembered it was raining in the evening with sun still shining brightly, thinking that there must be a rainbow. Yes it was. A rainbow but I saw like 4 or 5 of them. And later saw one in a very near distance with sharp visible colors. I could see the energies running in every layers of the rainbow colors. Wow, magnificient!

Dream 20

2007-05-22T14:26:00.000+08:00

Had a nice dream although it was weird. There were 2 or 3 parts but they were bit connected to each other

1st part was a bit fanstasy story. I dreamt about him. He was the sword bearer (katana) with a nice golden craft at the end of the sword. He had 2 men with him. They were trying to hide and runaway from the sword thieves. They were also comprise 3 people in a group. Each of them have own ability or power. For example when the sword thieves were at the other side of the mountain, clouds were thick that it blocked the perfect view. The chief called one of them who has the ability to see thru things to use his power to see if the sword bearer was at the opposite side.

2nd part, visited his extended familiy. It was an indigenous people from a remote area. But people were friendly and treated me well. Behind the house, there was a downhill rocky route. Many people used that route for fitness, short cut and daily usage. He brought me there and we went downhill together. It was tough but nice.

3rd part. He had gone to somewhere as I waited for him to return. Hmm, not sure but I waited for him for days in that remote. Those people fed me with lots of food.

Meditation - 2

2007-05-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

Engaged myself in meditation 2 days ago. Slept too late and feeling awful when waking up. Spent at least 20 minutes for meditation. Started with the basic position, closed the eyes and let all the thoughts passed thru. Always a difficult phase for me as the image of snake kept appearing. As everything more constant and relax, I got more deeper. Started to yawn but got the feeling stuck at my chest as I couldnt get it up. A bit struggling. Eyes got bit teary. And yawn again, this time let my head fall back a bit and pushed the chest out. Got the complete yawn and feeling much better. Did that a few times.

Dream - 19

2007-05-03T11:50:00.000+08:00

It was fullmoon yesterday, big bright orangy moon lit up the sky...beautiful! Electricity went out at 00:00 and so I went to sleep early. There were a few dreams which werent vivid either. Well, Lately my dream isnt that vivid. First dream felt like repeating dream. Trapped in a big house of a big tycoon. Looking for way out but interested in something else as well...hahaha. ;)

After finished my task, I was going to leave with my dad, a friend and some others which not so clear. Maybe it is about the climate change that people hurrily getting away from the town. We walked. The dusk was
beautiful and the night wasnt that dark. The moon was bright. The whole place had dark blue hues with the reflection of the moon. We came to a river or sea. Calm sea. Nice surrounding. There was a man soaked in the water until his chest level under a big tree. Looked like he had been there for a long time. Meditation? perhaps. He told us to be quick, the weather is going to change pretty soon. This is global warming.

We continued to walk. Only a few meters we were going to reach the mini airport. We stopped. The surrounding few meters in front of us slowly changing. I walked towards it as everyone looked on. As I entered
the zone of changing, the temperature dropped. It was cold. I walked out from the zone and told everyone. This is happening, global warming. Later, the surrounding stopped changing. It was bright, clear and dry. We proceed on.

Dream - 18

2007-05-03T11:35:00.000+08:00

Two nights ago dream, my dream aint that vivid But I know that I was smiling. There were my friends from school, relatives and family. The scene was at my primary school. I happened to practice aikido in the morning before class for a change. Sat in the class, they were many rounds of quiz going on. At some point, I got too tired for it. Someone came and gave me a hug. I wasnt sure who was it. Either it was the old primary standard 5 teacher that I disliked me before or someone else. But the feeling I got was love

Dream - 17

2007-04-19T12:00:00.000+08:00

I was wondering about the night sky, Why sometimes it looks a bit orangy? At 4am, I went to bed and I dreamt about the sky. It was night. I was at my relative's place. Everyone was there for some small party. Stood at the doorway and watched the amazing night sky. Surprised and amazed about the sky which was slowly becoming so clear. So clear
that for the first time I saw a very very bright green star. I have never seen it green. Slowly, at nearby there was a bright pink star and blue star. Gazed a bit more vastly in the sky. I saw a bright yellow star on the other side. As I gazed more longer, stars were showing bit by bit, forming some object. For example : helicopter and etc. Later, there were some people floating towards the starlight. I was about to join in and thought that I might be getting lucid but woken up by some sound from my neighbour's room.

Went back to sleep. I was in the same place again. Waited for the amazing sky again. The clouds were fast moving and disappeared. The moon came into my sight. Not just one moon but 3.

Dream - 16

2007-04-16T12:34:00.000+08:00

I had a dream that Im not going to see my godmother and family again. I was at her place. She was cooking for our last meal together. I remembered we were taking pictures together as well.

Recap - 3

2007-04-16T12:28:00.000+08:00

I could have changed room.
I could have leave him for my selfishness.
I could have a peaceful sleep.
I could have the fan running at hi-speed.
I could have saved myself from the 'hyttynen attacks'.
But I choose to stay.

If he is going to have a sleepless night, Im going to have it too.
If he is going to get the attack, Im going to get it too.
If he is going to feel tired the next day, Im going to feel tired too.
To make it fair and thru with him.

Dream - 15

2007-04-13T19:23:00.000+08:00

I didnt see him very well in the dream but he was there. It was night. A new place for me and a new place to stay. Saw a girl who was crying badly after her parents left her here. I came for a new thing, some kind of talk, some kind of camp, something like that. Expected to see him as well at the same place, most probably he had arrived earlier than me. Got myself a room after checking in, a place which looks pretty much like a guesthouse with a nice wooden interior and a garden.

next scene...
I met him at a cafe. We sat, drink, eat and talk. I wanted to change myself into his room. After that, I left him for a while to a place to meet someone. I think to send my father off. It was raining. I happened to arrive at a big swimming hall. Amazed by it. Some people were there for training. Someone told me that this might be one of the training place that I have to attend. Later, realized that I had left him for quite long time and decided to go back but before that I went back to take an umbrella for him. Then, I read an email from him. He said that he likes the idea of me to change the room but better keep it the same anyway. That room I got was previously a martial art studio now turned to be my room. Inside there. They are many swords and bokken kept there by the place owner. The owner is a Master of Ninjitsu or other kind of martial art
which was not clear in the dream. So keep that room! I got it because I am special.

Dream - 14

2007-04-11T18:59:00.000+08:00

I dreamt about him, really looked like him. I was stroke with lots of smiling in half-awake state

Dream - 13

2007-04-09T13:13:00.000+08:00

Not so vivid dream. My mum was there and my godparents were in the scene as well. Felt like repeating dream. I found a room with 2 pianos. One black and another brown. I hopped on the brown one and I played it for few days. They had the intention to change that room into my own. Someone arrived. hmm, maybe it was my piano teacher and I told her about that room and piano. And then she told me that piano was haunted many times. yea, it was shock for me. But she assured me that the spirit had been cleared for a long time since then. Relief but still eerie.

We were in some scene, almost like some war-like era with weird armies creature. Maybe they werent that dangerous after all. They needed someone to follow them for some ritual. My mum was appointed to go. They had it at a field opposite the house. We stood at the doorway and watched. The armies were really something. They were in colors. Well, it was at night so can see the colors well. They were red, green and blue. Something impressive, they formed a heart shape. But my mum wasnt happy when she came back as she said that she had touch or drank the holy water. Here, it sounded a bit more like christianity. We talked to her that no worries about the holy water or daily bread. They were just bread and water....haha!

Dream - 12

2007-04-06T18:49:00.000+08:00

second orgasmic brought me into dreaming. I was disturbed by phone call earlier but I decided not to answer in order not to disturb my state. Felt tingling at my chest, feeling of happiness and I fall back to sleep. I heard a whisper "you had a nice orgasmic, now I bring you to dream" and I shifted to dreaming state. In the dream, I was at my godparents old house, resting myself
at the 2nd room. I was looking for a person which I wasnt even sure if he exists or not. But my godmother wanted to help me for the search. She showed me some old pics from the photo album. Daphne is one of her children. Weird! I saw some slight shadows of her and her son. The number of children that my godmother had was a bit unsure too, 3 or 4. And I was looking for a person who might be her son. The son of her, she wasnt sure either if she had given it away long time ago or doesnt exist at all. Then, her youngest daughter came with her baby. My mum arrived too after work. They decided to go out for dinner. From here, dream started to change a bit.

It was raining and they told me that each time when it rains and led to something else either flood or something else. So it is a bit dangerous to go out when raining. Ahh, we could not go out for dinner because it started to rain.

In the next scene, I was cycling back to my godparents place and it started to rain. The whole neighbourhood was quiet. It had yellow ambience. I remembered the word "raining might led to something else" so I quickly cycled back. Stucked in between some motorcycles, I carried the bicycle to cross over it and I saw a mist in front of me, looks like coming towards me. I was afraid. It was too late. The mist had arrived and clouded over me. I was afraid. It felt like the mist was going to bring me to some other place that I didnt want to go. I guess in the dream, there were voices here and there. "If you are afraid then start screaming" I started to scream, really scream in the dream to wake me up. Everything came to an end but I didnt wake up immediately after that scream until a few seconds or minutes. I was afraid to open my eyes. Afraid to see what I didnt want to see. The feeling that I got was I thought I might be in some other place already. And slowly I came back to this world, opened my eyes to see myself in my room. I was relief and it was raining outside.

Dream 11

2007-04-03T20:53:00.000+08:00

Travelling to a place which looked like langkawi but wasnt. A sub-urban area with lushes of greenery and sea. Had a scenic tour on a fishing boat. Upon arrived on the shore, the path was link to a shopping mall. Then I realized I was in hurry for my practical piano exam. I left my bag in the boat. Running around the mall to ask for help. No one wanted to go with me. So I went back to the pier by myself. Asked the lady in the counter but she seemed to be busy. So I went down to the jetty to see if the boat was there. There were many people coming back to the shore and this guy tried to scare me with a snake. I was a bit panic but didnt bother me much as I was hurried back to the counter again. Waited for a while and the lady said yes, there was a bag found. The right bag and I was hurried off getting out from the building. Now, I didnt have a transport to get myself to the venue. I waited for my dad...At the end I didnt make it!

Dream - 10

2007-03-30T16:57:00.000+08:00

What an Intense deep sleep dream that! Last night I slept off quite fast after creating too much of the layout for my project, reading a book and did breathing technique and somehow I think the creation still aint that good. I had a deep sleep, sleeping on my back. Cant remember the content of the remember but it went on like a smooth story. I jolted up abruptly before 6am, felt the intensity of the dream and a bit nightmarish and realized that I had not off my table lamp and pc. Fall back again and continued from there.

This afternoon, after doing my errands, too tired that I went for a nap. Again, deep sleep with dream intensity running. Cant remember much. I was at some vacation place maybe beaches place with my family and other relatives. It was raining and I wanted to ukemi at some field but too many stones. Then I was in this big hall, was actually came for dancing but turned out to be in some talk on aikido.

Dream - 9

2007-03-29T12:31:00.000+08:00

Lately, I always get dream about aikido and other mixture of it. I fell asleep after doing something and I didnt move from that position since then. There was an aikido dream at the beginning and it changed. I was running a champaign in the town. A champaign of awareness to let people know about being spiritual. Not clear what was it but about being a wholeself in this humanity. Giving speeches to them, standing on the table, hoping everyone would understand the message. I had a few fellowers. There were a few who came and chaotic happened. I changed my perception as well. I was sitting at the roadside, eating with my family and it started to rain. Shifted myself into the restaurant and I was shocked with the cleanliness of the shop. Especially the owner didnt mention anything although the customers whom messed the place, had less mentality, throwing their unwanted food on the floor. I expressed my concern to the owner and he could take my comment. Later I continued with the champaign. It was getting dark. People were getting less. Me and another accompanion were walking in a building and came to a library on few upper floors. We wanted to get in the library for some resources but I couldnt, need to purchase ticket for entrance. Not going in like that. Saw a friend thru the glasses and asked him if he can borrow his laptop for some short task. Then I heard someone shouted my name. I guess a man, nice calling. I went to the stairs to
peep but caught no sight of him. And yet still could hear a slight of his calling. I asked my accompanion did she heard it too. She said yes. It was getting more late. I visited a friend before going back home. Pick up my bicycle from a shop that I have left there. I had a many things to carry along. I had this big side bag and another pillow case which I need to tie it like a sack so that I could hang it at my back. Then, some guy came and gave me a hand to tie it. I cant remember who was he. Somehow the feeling like well-known person or a person that I know or the person who called my name at the stairs. Anyway, at last I cycled back home alone.

Dream - 8

2007-03-27T15:33:00.000+08:00

The feeling was smooth but still weird. I cant remember it clearly but there was something about
aikido training. Best recall when you are still in bed without moving. But so easy to lose it. There was some meeting with school friends...uhh, I guess...hmm, cant continue anymore

Recap - 2

2007-03-25T00:12:00.000+08:00

Lack of expression of Love...
I was pretty much alone after my sister went to Australia for further study. I got the whole room, I enjoyed it myself, I studied until late night, dim light, soft music. It was nice but at times things just get entangled again and again. I motivated myself to go on. But as a teen that time. I still need love and support. I still cant stand at my own feet. I just didnt get it enough.

I know that my parents love me but I didnt get enough love from them. I felt a bit abandon and as a middle child, it was more accurate...haha! From what I have learnt and watched on TV, I started to feel as if Im one of the child where parents are just busy working, making money, dont have time for kids growth and stuffs. If I'd have a choice, I would be a rebellious one but I did not. Maybe I didnt enough courage to be rebellious. But I did received love from other parties such as my godparents, second home to me. I spent all my life being with them. So closed, I think closer than my own relatives. So maybe that was the reason I wasnt a rebellious kid...haha!

As I was going to finish my high school. Things got down again. Feeling the lack of father's love, man's love. As I wish to have a guy who loves me and show me what is love again. Could I even get it like that? They do love me but not enough. I didnt want it that way. Although I know that they need to work to keep the family going but that was not really I wanted. I wanted some care, love and affection from them. They have worked so hard. I wanted to see them spend some free time off, family outing and etc.

But as I grow older. It wasnt that I didnt get enough love from them. They do love me. They just didnt show it at home. After working hours, they still behaved like at the office. They didnt speak much, no hugging, no smiling, no laughing. I was sad to see that as I
didnt know what to do. Dad, a man is shy to show his love to his wife. He doesnt compliment her openly as I have never really heard of it. Or thankful to his wife Or talk to her nicely, soft and gentle. And mum thought that they are just old for that already. All those lovey-dovey stuffs were history. Maybe they had so much of lovey-dovey when they were young but I guess not after they got married.

So, I didnt see how they do it, how do they keep their love and family going strong. I just didnt know how to do it although I might have seen in TV or movies or somewhere. But if it doesnt practise at home, you are not going to learn it although you know it.

I love him but I just dont know how to show more of my love to him.

Dream - 7

2007-03-21T10:52:00.000+08:00

I went to bed after finished reading another chapter from that recapitulation book. That chapter was quite interesting. It really realized me something. Soon, this dream about recapping haunting me. Keep getting the same dream, the same scene. There was a book and the words formed by itself. There were a few important things as I couldnt really see it. Then, the dream changed that me and Iga were in some place for holiday. We were going for a swim at the beach. As usual he was quite cold towards me.

Dream - 6

2007-03-19T12:56:00.000+08:00

I dreamt of snakes or little snake but just equivalent to it. I had to look at them, 2 of them. One of them jumped towards and I got afraid, thats where I woke up, just like having a big nightmare. Opened my eyes instantly. Heart pumping fast and soon I fall asleep again.

I was at this place with all my family, relatives and school friends. The place looked a bit like hostel with some guards around. There was something that I cant remember. I had to be alone. Then I got an invitation, was able to go there. It was my primary school. Everyone was there. They had a party for me. I shook their hands and they applaused. And then I heard some whispers "Welcome to this place where you need to face for recap, face your fear And you are dreaming!" I was delighted to hear it. I am dreaming, I am dreaming. Looked at my feet, I was floating a bit.

Dream - 5

2007-03-15T11:43:00.000+08:00

Last night I dreamt that my family, relatives and I were in a place for vacation. That place looked my living area. I was staying in a hotel, the kitchen manager was friendly. Long stairs with elevator. I went for running. I walked to the starting point, carrying a backpack. Until there I loaded a big stone. I think I met some other people or my relatives, saying that they are going to run at the hilltop of a graveyard but I didnt join them instead I ran on the tarmic road. For the first time in my dream that I really run and not slow-motion effect or anything and carrying the stone behind me.

Recap - 1

2007-03-14T18:29:00.000+08:00

This scenario came into me suddenly that couldnt help it and think about it from starting. On the day that we went to Thailand. Our bus arrived to Alor Setar Bus Terminal for passengers to abroad and disembarked. Came a guy who sat in front of us. He caught my attention, reminded me of a m'sia actor who I know, strong, well-equipped and looks like he has been far away for a long time and he is going back home. We dropped off at the last station, Kangar as well as him. It was 6am and decided to look for Kangar's local bus station. The stations looked dead haha except some taxi drivers who were there. We sat there for a while and the guy came after us. Sitting for long, we decided to take a taxi to Padang Besar and Iga suggested that maybe we can go and ask that guy where is he going and maybe we can share the taxi. I was a bit huh?!! and wondering why is he kind of interested with that guy or If he wants to taste his power. But he had gone from there and he
commented, "that guy looks
strong to me and he looks like every girls' dream guy". I replied spontaneously, "including me". I didnt take notice of his reaction as
I was so tired.

We were in a local bus, on the way to Hatyai. Iga turned to me and asked me about that guy again. He seemed to be quite interested with it. Mind you, I was quite tired and whatever I said was true. He wanted my honest opinion and so I gave a shoot.

"... after I saw him and I see you, you look like a boy to me. A sluggish person who doesnt know where to go, no direction ..."

He got a bit edgy but looked fine for me. But I guess all the way to Hatyai, that idea might have stuck in himself, felt bad, sad and got irritated by the narrow bus seat. It could be seen from his facial expression. I was thinking in my heart "oh my god! He got the bomb now. Going to ruin my vacation".

When we arrived at Hatyai bus station, the biggest problem was that we needed to get out from the circle of this bus station. It was hot that day and had to walk back and forth to look for clue and since he got the bomb, he got frustrated with the place, down with pessimistic and I got a bit irritated by his negative thoughts as I
was still determine to look for someone who can speak english and get help.

He couldnt take it anymore and burst his bomb somewhere at the corner of a street. I learnt something from him that he told his dissatisfaction feeling quickly rather than few days later. He was down with self-pity. I didnt know until then that he got hurt with what I said to him earlier in the bus.
I was a bit like
'you got hurt when I said that you are a little boy? why dont you try to imagine yourself as me that how you said me many times already that I look like a little girl. I was sad but I stood up again and here I am."

I wasnt sure if he really knows how painful it can be for me to hear that little girl over and over again. Although he said that he understood it but still I think he aint that deep into that.
So in conclusion, think twice before you start to talk. Honest and spontaneous thought is good but do we actually think about other people? What if our words accidentally hurt them?
Most of all, think before you speak, think what if other people do the same thing to you? How would you feel?

Dream - 4

2007-03-13T10:47:00.000+08:00

This was the first night I was trying to do some intent dreaming...haha by waking up after a few hours of sleeping, awake for few minutes or hours, keep the intent and fall back to sleep again. Well I have been like this before and many times. I remembered about 3 years ago, I used to wake up after 4 hours sleeping, do my works for 3 hours and went back to sleeep again. The feeling was nice because I felt ease and happy and dreaming is more vivid then nowadays. Sure it is a different thing that studying for an exam, rest for 2 -4 hours, wake up to study again and fall back to sleep. That was a cautious sleep because I was worried, keep thinking about the paper and the important thing got up on time for exam, hehe!

Before sleep, I tried to meditate a bit, imagined his hand. Why on earth I want to see his hand rather than mine? haha! Need a hint in the dream to know that Im dreaming. After 3 hours, I woke up at 6am, slight feeling of terrible. After sitting for about 10 minutes, I went back to sleep. There were my family, friends, and relatives. I was going to move out. The house slowly to be empty. I had an invitation, some kind of gathering that I had to wear my aikido suit. My aunt was complaining about her daughter that she was dealing with 2 boats at the same time. And then, my aunt asked me if he is still my one. I said yea. I found weird about that question. Though that I cant see him around in my dream, someone had asked about him. And Again, I woke up feeling uhh! The thing is that when I was still sleeping, I had nice, calm and energize feeling and when waking up, it feels weird and sad.

Read something from the internet last night about sleeping position for dreaming.

"A dreaming position for sleeping, that she says some people may find
helpful. Lying on left side, left leg and arm extended down and up, head
resting on left arm, and right leg and arm bent in front. The left
(receptive) side of the body sinks down into the ground from whence it may
receive energy. As an alternative, the left arm may be brought in front of
the face." quoted from http://uazu.net/notes/merilyn.html

I happened to think that he has this sleeping style. And I guess everyone has it or I dont know.

Meditation - 1

2007-03-12T11:31:00.000+08:00

On saturday night, did a short meditation after have been doing it for some time. After some brief normal intro breathing, I started to focus on him. Trying to see/feel his hand - how we were holding hands. His cheeck-how I put cheeck close to his, his bit oily though..haha! His torse - how I hugged it and his smell. Soon after that I went to sleep and let all those things played in my mind until I fall asleep. No any significant dream about it....haha!

Dream - 3

2007-03-10T18:37:00.000+08:00

More deeper sleep each time if I would be sleeping and I would still have some dreams. I had a nap today for 2 hours. The dreaming looked quite vivid running in my mind. I was almost alert many times between the interval as somehow I told myself "no, no, stay there and hold the dream" and I did. It continued from where it was almost gonna disappear.

Me and my siblings were at my godparent's old house. We were staying there. My godfather's friend visited him at the house and they had
some kind of reunion after others arrived as well. One of them a big size guy looked like an ex-sailor with long white beard. There was some kids there which I didnt know them. They were like their
grandchildren but didnt look like them. Most probably look like my cousin's kids. Very young aged 4 - 7. We had to look after them as my godparent had special meeting with his friends.
Suddenly the kids showed some dissatisfaction or just playing around, they started to scream and shout as I was shouted back at them too to keep silent. Shouting at the top of my lungs, trying to be more louder than them. I slapped lightly on one of the kid's face and she was running away from there to the back.

Then something something that I had to excuse myself to school, an unknown place to pick Iga up. I was looking for him at the sport section. No sight of him and one of the guy who was incharged there and came asked me about it.
I told him my intention and by looking at the clock, we were going to be late for the bus! That guy offered me a ride back to my godparent's place. Upon arrival, we left an hour before the bus departure. And to my surprise he was already at home with 2 other guys, drinking beer and smoking. I was a bit mad but no time. I told him my situation and he thanked the guy who had sent me home. Eventually the guy offered his car for us to use because we were already late. He suggested that my godfather can drive us to the bus terminal and drive back the car here.The guy will collect his car back on Monday by himself. At the end I think we didnt make it to the terminal or we did. We were at the backseat and hmm...I was complaining about Iga's lacking behaviour to my godfather.....I decided to wake up.

feeling weird and uneasy again.

Dream - 2

2007-03-08T13:02:00.000+08:00

About the similar dream I had when he was around. In a place with my family, relatives, friends and him. Everyone was having fun but I was struggling, most likely it must be from the effect that I got in real life. In the dream, I was already wrong. He didnt like me and ignoring me as he left to swim by himself. I was chasing behind him and lost him and I came to a small pool that was in bad condition but still there were people inside. It was an aromatherapy pool. I was alert a few times and fall back to sleep again, continued the same dream.
When I had nap for 3 hours, it was the same thing again, almost a like. Someone said that I have
gained more weight....haha! Thats what I remembered.

Dream - 1

2007-03-05T19:39:00.000+08:00

I could remember my dreams bit by bit. Thought that I might have borrowed my energy for him to dream but I guess thats impossible. As I have not remember a single of my dream for months already but I knew that I dreamt something.

The other day, I dreamt that my family, relatives, friends and I were in a glass room, excitedly watching the very old Roman look-alikey building is going to be demolished. All of us felt like tourists, arming with camera, interested about it without thinking twice that the demolition might be dangerous towards us. The old building was several meters tall. Big rock balls were going to use as the destroyer of the building. A crane hooked the ball and released it, sent the ball flying slamming the building. We watched for a few times before noticed that it might be dangerous that the ball might send flying slamming the glass room.

Today...my family, relatives and I decided to go to a place to eat. On the way, we caught in a massive flood. A weird flood.
The water was eventually blue. It was almost up to the waist that had to struggle to get to the
other side.